I’ve had my fair share of struggling with my body. Anyone who’s had an eating disorder will know that you never really fully detach from it; the habits, the thought-patterns, the mindset of those days might die down but it never fully goes away.
At least that’s how it’s been for me.
The worst period of my struggles with eating/exercise/weight/body-image have already long passed years ago. And yet, even though now I can live life fully without worrying too much about those things, the smallest things still trigger an alarm in my head. It sends me spiraling down into the old dialogues that ran me into a full-on eating disorder.
Right now I’m at the point where I’m trying to be indifferent about the way my body looks, eat without overthinking it, and move in a way that feels comfortable. Especially during the holiday period, I’ve been giving myself the freedom to just let things be. Do reign in the need to control how much I eat or to feel guilty for lying around all day.
And yet, when so many people close to me mention weight-loss as their new-years resolution, I can’t help but feel a tight knot in my heart. Around the dinner table, people would announce ‘I want to lose 5kg this year’ ‘I’m going for 10!’. This year wasn’t the first time either. I remember two years ago in Spanish class when the teacher asked for our New Years' resolution, the girl sitting next to me said that she wanted to lose weight. I was shocked - because she was far from being overweight, and yes, she was definitely skinnier than me. So why did she feel the need to lose more weight? Should I be trying to lose weight as well since I’m bigger than her? All of the people around me this year who also mentioned weight-loss as their goal definitely don’t need to either.
But why do I feel so triggered by it even when it won’t directly affect me? Maybe it’s because I feel like I shouldn’t or I’m not supposed to state weight-loss as my resolution since the last time I tried to do that, I came out with an eating disorder. Maybe I’m sick and tired of this stupid diet culture, and how shallow it’s made everyone - why can’t people strive to learn new things? Pick up a hobby? Become a better friend? Maybe I’m scared that everyone else will stick to their resolutions and get their dream body whilst I’m stuck in a place of wanting to change but feeling like I need to be defiant and stand up for body acceptance.
I just felt so frustrated after a while at the dinner table. The only thing I could do in that moment was to just say that my new-years resolutions are to pick up a new hobby and find a job.